Happy 35th Mom & Dad!

My parent's 35th wedding anniversary was the 20th of January and I sent my mom flowers from Martha Stewart Flowers and she was very pleased. Some people think that it's best to ignore the grief and the pain by never asking her how she is doing or never mentioning my dad, as if he never existed. They just don't understand that he dies a little bit more every time they do that. Talking about him and sharing stories is part of how we celebrate his life and it helps to keep him here with us. So, when their anniversary came around, the first one without him here, I couldn't not acknowledge that. Thirty-five years is a lifetime for some people. I've been married for six years and I can't fathom what it will feel like to have been partners and best-friends with someone for even half that long. What an accomplishment!



When I look at my mom I just don't see a "widow". She's so vital and young and blonde! She doesn't look old enough to be a widow and in her heart she is still so very married. I told her once that her marriage didn't have to be over if she didn't want it to. This could just be a new step in their journey together, with him waiting for her on the other side. She seemed so surprised...as if she'd never considered that. I think one of the first things you do when you lose a spouse is to examine all of the things that you will never have again or do again with that person. You don't often consider the possibility that your situation isn't final. Besides, how can their marriage be over when he visits her from time to time? He's visited me too. I think it's his way of saying that he's okay and that we shouldn't worry about him.

I see him in my dreams all the time these days, but there was one dream, the first one that I had after he died, where he spoke to me and I know it was a message and not just my mind trying to make sense of things. He was so real, like I could have reached out and touched him. Everything else in the dream became fuzzy around the edges and he was the only thing in sharp focus. The rest of the dream was convoluted and strange, not making much sense, as most dreams don't, but there was this moment of clarity with my dad right in the middle of all of this weirdness. He was sitting at a table by a pool in the south of France with my mom drinking a Lava Flow (his favorite drink from their vacations in Hawaii), and I said to him,"I'm sorry you didn't have more time." And he looked at me in that way that he had, kind of gruff and impatient and said,"I don't need more time." And then softer and with a hint of a smile, "It's okay, it's okay." Then he sat back in the chair, looking completely at peace, and gave me a big smile.

See, this is why I don't write more often, now I'm crying. I read in "Women's Home Journal" in December that you shouldn't hold in your tears because the tears that you cry when you are really upset or unhappy actually release your stress...that you actually cry your stress out. I am probably butchering their explanation, but it made perfect sense at the time. They said that the chemical make-up of regular tears is different from the chemical make-up of the tears that you cry when you are grieving. They said that that was why we feel so much better after a good cry.
Interesting, don't you think?